


For a Free Pizza

by MagicalMelancholy



Series: Highschool-themed Homestuck Crack Fics [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack Fic, Exagerrated Character Traits, Highschool AU, Not sure if it fits the definition but I'm tagging it anyways, This is meant to be a purely humorous fic so don't take it seriouly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 00:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14863283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalMelancholy/pseuds/MagicalMelancholy
Summary: Terezi wants to win Homecoming Queen badly so she can get the free pizza involved. Unfortunately, Kanaya is the prettiest girl in school and will win no matter what. So, Terezi has to find a way to run, because even if she got Dave and Karkat to do it, she still wants to be a part of this action.





	1. Terezi Pyrope's Determination

  As soon as lunch started, Terezi took Dave and Karkat from their lunch and dragged them by their hands to the first-floor boys bathroom. She needed to plan on how to get the free pizza that came with winning Homecoming Royalty, no matter the cost.

  "Ok, so you both can run for Homecoming King in the Freshmen branch of the Homecoming Court, but, as you know, Kanaya is guaranteed to win Homecoming Queen! She's the most beautiful girl in school and she's also very nice and gives great advice on fashion and gardening! I can't run for Homecoming Queen for this reason. Like heck, if I get any votes at all, it'll be pity votes because i'm gonna lose anyway! She never even bothered to run yet always won because of how many write-ins she got! So, I need you guys to wonder, how the heck am I gonna be able to get a chance to win that pizza?" She ranted.

  Karkat breathed in.

  "Why the FUCK would you drag us into the first floor boys bathroom to tell us this? You could've told us literally ANYWHERE ELSE. ANYWHERE ELSE where we WOULDN'T end up getting suspicious looks from people after coming out of here, because if you haven't noticed, first floor bathrooms are popular spots for kids to either smoke drugs, as evidenced by the fact this place smells like fucking weed, or to fuck, and we do not want to open EITHER of those wormy cans." Karkat breathed out.

  "That reputation for illegal activities is exactly why I chose this place, that makes it a better place for mysterious planning!" Terezi explained.

  "That mysterious planning for a free pizza that'll be acquired legally? I admire your effort, but I don't think it's worth the questions that we're gonna get from people after we leave, and I would stay here for that reason if it weren't for the fact that, as Karkat said, this places smells like fucking weed and people usually fuck in here. Furthur, on the occasion someone does actually use this place for a bathroom, it's really gonna stink." Dave said.

  "It's about the principle of the matter, now back on topic, we gotta find a way to raise the odds of us getting a free pizza!"

  "In all honesty, you're the only one who cares about this. And for what, a pizza with thin crust and dry flour on the bottom? That pizza that you want because it happens to be free even though the school probably paid less for it than you will for all of the posters you'll use to advertise, which, by the way, only cost $3 if you decide to use the copier at the library to make 30 of them. I could just buy you a pizza, I mean, I live with Rose now and her family is loaded. I could just spend $20 of my allowance to buy a pizza and tip the pizza guy and it wouldn't even matter that much to me anymore. Me and Karkat have mostly been going along with you because we're your friends, and we would run to help you and your ambitions, if but grudgingly, but dragging us into a place that would give those shippers more fuel to an already dangerous forest fire is something I draw the line at! 

  "Do you even know how much fanfiction there is of all three of us? Nepeta and her sister have written God knows how many fanfictions of me and you. They've thought of everything, an Ouran Highschool host club AU, a Romeo and Juliet AU, so many AU's I've been exposed to, courtesy of Rose, who is running a betting ring based off of our relationships and is gathering all of the fanfiction of us and other less common ships within the school on an anonymous website. She has told me that some people even ship all three of us at once, which while I'm ok with polygamy, I do not want any part of it. Some other examples of fanfiction I have been exposed to while exploring that website due to morbid fucked up curiosity is a bunch of One Piece AU's and Pirate AU's of me and Karkat which I am pretty sure are all written by Vriska. I read a Pirate one and it was pretty clear she only wrote that particular one to piss of Rose by writing something that was vaguely a sex scene but technically wasn't breaking the rules because Rose had to get all purple prosey when writing the rules against sex scenes. I stopped reading after that because I didn't want to see what her fanfiction is like under the influence of a world that was probably the result of a drug trip that rubber kid was having as a result of the 'magic' fruit he ate. While I am your friend, I do not want to knowingly contribute to that mess over a cheap, lousy pizza." Dave explained.

  Terezi thought. Ouran Highschool Host Club is about a girl who cross-dresses. In Romeo and Juliet, Juliet intended to fake her death and run away with Romeo, though that didn't work out well at all. 

  "I have an idea!" Terezi exclaimed. She ran out of the bathroom as fast as she could. Dave and Karkat facepalmed because it was pretty clear Terezi didn't even bother listening to the rant. Dave decided to leave. Karkat stayed for a few minutes then left as well. A question lingered in both of their minds. "What the fuck is Terezi planning?"


	2. Blackmail

  "It was sad how Terezi died, she was so young too. Too bad she had to fall down some stairs like that!" Latula said in a voice that was a mix between her usual radical voice and solemn.

  "Now, I need to read this will, I need everyone other than Dave and Karkat to leave," Latula explained. Everyone stood up. Vriska muttered something along the lines of "I've been friends with her since 4th grade and she lets some kid she met in 7th-grade art class this with be in the will but not me? I can understand Karkat cause he's a Kindergarten friend, but Dave? Those shippers really are onto something, though maybe Terezi knew Dave could help comfort Karkat over her death... Well played friend, fucking with the shippers even in death."

  Karkat and Dave were inside the large living room of the Pyrope home, waiting to hear the will. Karkat was crying a lot. Dave was a little bit too under his shades. Suddenly, the coffin moved.

  "Surprise bitches!" Terezi yelled as she came out of the coffin.

  "WHAT THE FUCK! YOU DON'T JUST FAKE YOUR DEATH LIKE THAT! IT'S NOT EVEN APRIL FOOLS YOU FOOL-FUCKER!" Karkat yelled at her.

  "Well, I had too or else my plan wouldn't work!" Terezi explained.

  "WHAT PLAN COULD POSSIBLY BE WORTH MAKING YOUR FRIENDS UPSET? WHAT FUCKING PLAN?"

  "Well, I was going to crossdress as a transfer student named Derek, but if I suddenly disappeared when he appeared, it'd look suspicious! Then, as Derek, I'd run for Homecoming King!" Terezi explained.

  "Ok, so I'm glad you are willing to put so much effort into a lousy pizza, but could you not make your friends upset? If you haven't noticed, Karkat was bawling his eyes out. I'm pretty sure pretending to go on a family vacation would've worked just as well. Or, go with my brilliant idea and just let me buy the fucking pizza for you." Dave said angrily. God, he was tired of Terezi's pizza bullshit.

  "Well, it's too late now I guess!" Terezi shrugged. She then pulled out a bunch of suits she had just bought recently.

  "So which one should I wear to school first? You both are guys, so your opinion would be great!"

  Dave looked.

  "Go for the one with the rose." He said, leaving to reevaluate his life. Karkat nodded and followed. They found everyone outside.

  "THIS 'FUNERAL' IS OVER!" Karkat yelled.

* * *

  The next day, a boy named Derek walked into class wearing the very suit Dave recommended. He had all his hair gathered in a ponytail in the front and a pair of shades that were similar to Terezi's, but with orange lenses and with thick pink frames. He seemed to have trouble getting around.

  'God, if she's gonna insist on wearing a lame disguise, at least get one with a fucking cane or working glasses!' Dave thought.

  'Oh, so she's really going through with the whole cross-dressing thing that I heard them talking about last night, cool! Wish she didn't do the funeral thing, but it was kinda obvious, since no one really does funerals at houses.' Jade thought.

  'When and how the fuck did she get into my cosplay bin? She better not have taken the feather coat that goes with those glasses, cause that cost a fortune!' Vriska thought, noticing how familiar those shades look.

  "I'm running for Homecoming King, so please vote for me!" "Derek" spoke as "he" passed out flyers "he" pulled out of "his" suit. The flyers said "Vote for me, Derek Williams, for I am totally not just Terezi Pyrope in a suit with a frontal ponytail and Doflamingo shades that I-er I mean she stole from Vriska! FYI for those who don't know who Doffy is, he's a weird bird guy who likes murdering people with strings! Or sometimes guns if it's personal!"

  'God am I gonna use this as blackmail later on' Vriska and Rose thought together. Rose made a mental thought to get this laminated and uploaded to a flash drive.

  "Now if you excuse me, I have to go spread my message!" "Derek" said, running out of the class to put the flyers underneath every class door, even the empty ones. After that, "he'd" put up the extra posters in the hallway. Once Terezi was in the hallway, she got out her cane and began walking around.

  "Does Terezi realize we're about to start class?" Rose asked Dave.

  "She does, but she does not care." He responded.

  "Didn't Terezi fall down some stairs and die yesterday? This person is Derek, the hot transfer student!" Vriska said jokingly.

  "And he definitely isn't someone who's left arm I'm going to break off later for stealing my glasses from my cosplay bin! That sneaky bitch.." She continued in an angrier tone.

  "Why did she specify 'left arm' and 'breaking'?" Kanaya asked Rose quietly.

  "Probably a reference, either that, or we probably shouldn't get on her bad side since she seems to plan her attacks out carefully... Or perhaps both?" Rose muttered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Speaking of blackmail, this fanfiction will probably be used a blackmail later on in my life. Good thing I can hide behind this being a crack fic and the fact I headcanon Terezi and Vriska as huge One Piece fans, but it won't stop me from feeling shame at managing to be able to stuff so many unnecessary references into this.  
> I came up with the plot of this fanfiction during standardized testing, the reading portion more specifically. I kinda developed it a little more during the Algebra test, but it was mostly a side story where Vriska pesters Sollux to cosplay as Law, which Sollux refuses because he doesn't want to live with the memory of willingly having the word DEATH on his body (also Sollux never watched One Piece but it's unimportant other than the fact Sollux doesn't have familiarity with it). Vriska refuses to shut up about it and Sollux manages to switch her wifi provider to Comcast as revenge. Then he sneaks an outdated laptop into her attic and has it download EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE. of One Piece on Internet Explorer. (I also came up with another side plot where Eridan tries to get Sollux and Aradia to be his entourage so he can pretend to be a bitchy popular girl and battle Kanaya for popularity. He fails and Kanaya ends up giving him fashion tips). None of these ideas will be used because I'd rather write the "Terezi is a bad crossdresser" plot.


	3. A Bunch Of Short Scenes In A Short Chapter

  After 1st period ended, Dave noticed a little bit of fuzz Terezi put on her flyers so she could identify the front. Dave also noticed it was an arrow facing up, so she wouldn't put up the poster upside down. 'Well, at least she planned out the fact people needed to see the posters'.

  Meanwhile, Nepeta was writing down notes for a fanfiction shipping Derek and Terezi.

* * *

  The next day, Terezi was using a cane to navigate in her disguise. She walked up to the pencil bin and put about ten pencils in it. She sat down.

  Dave walked up to the pencil bin and noticed that Terezi had ordered a bunch of pencils with the words "Vote Derek For Freshman Homecoming King!". She even sharpened them before putting them in the pencil bin. Dave tried to find a way to turn it into a curse word by sharpening it enough but failed. He honestly didn't know how to react to something so regular being used by Terezi to advertise. Dave put in his earbuds and started watching Jojokes on his phone.

* * *

  Finally, Homecoming week arrived. The dance would be on Friday, but until then, everyone had to prepare for the dance. Kanaya, Rose, Jade, and the rest of the school dance planning committee were allowed to leave 7th period early to set stuff up. Nepeta was tracking who was going to the dance with who and writing fanfiction accordingly. Rose was keeping track of the influx of bets being placed for what way Karkat, Dave, and Terezi's relationship would go. Dave was setting up a playlist since he was gonna be DJ for the event. You'd think Terezi would've had a huge advertising campaign planned for the last week. But no.

  Terezi, after printing out so many flyers and buying so many suits, along with the free pencils, all she could afford to do was wait. 'Maybe I should've only bought 5 suits instead of 20' she thought. Oh well, she was only going up against Eridan, and while he did get a bunch of confetti and hire the school band to play a regal song while he announced his candidacy, that didn't really change the fact that a lot of people were annoyed with him. Though after what she pulled with the fake funeral, a lot of people were pretty pissed at Terezi, not that she realized anyone heard her, Dave, and Karkat talking or that her costume fooled no one.

* * *

  Somewhere, Vriska was laughing maniacally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, but I didn't really know how else to progress the plot. The next chapter should be much, much better. Wonder what Vriska is planning... Oh well, probably not important.


	4. Homecoming

  It was the night of the Homecoming Dance. Terezi was dressed up in a pristine, white suit, has her frontal ponytail slicked back with gel, and the glasses she stole from Vriska polished. She was in front of the school gym where the dance was held and walked in. 

  Dave was busy playing songs on his DJ equipment. Earlier today, Karkat had asked Dave to the dance, and Dave accepted (to the disappointment of the people who shipped Terezi with one of those two), though Dave had a job to do as DJ, so Karkat was just hanging around up there with him. Rose was busy handing out receipts to everyone who was in the betting pool. She went up to Terezi.

  "Do you know where Vriska is? She said she'd be coming here tonight, but I can't find her anywhere. Normally she'd collect the money from her bets immediately. I thought I'd ask you since you're her friend Terezi." Rose explained.

  "I-I'm not Terezi, I'm Derek, the soon-to-be Homecoming King!" Terezi lied badly.

  "Let's face it, the disguise is fooling no one, so do you know where she is or not?"

  "Good perception Rose, though not everyone is as perceptive as you. Anyways, that is strange, Vriska would normally be here by now to collect the money she won on her bet... Oh well, probably doesn't matter!"

  Terezi left Rose. The music stopped and an announcer's voice turned on.

  "Ladies and Gentlemen, now we're gonna announce the Homecoming Queens and Kings! For Freshmen, the Homecoming Queen and King are..." Dave turned on the drumroll effect.

  "Kanaya Maryam and Terezi Pyrope! Wait, I mean Derek Williams." Terezi then realized something, it wasn't just Rose overestimating the student body's intelligence when she said Terezi's disguise was fooling no one, it was her stating a fact. Terezi took of her stolen cosplay shades and replaced them with her working glasses. She looked into a particularly reflective glass of water. 

  "God why did I think this would work, I really should actually cut my hair and worn contacts for this!" She said out loud, facepalming herself. 'At least I still won the pizza' Terezi thought as she went upstage.

  "You win this coupon for Little Ceasars Pizza for a free pizza, redeemable until April 13th, 2019. You also get this crown." The guy handing out the coupons and crowns told her. Terezi stared blankly. 'Dave was right, this really wasn't worth faking my death over' she thought, disappointed. She put it the coupon her pocket and the crown on her head. Maybe she'd give the coupon to a homeless person later. Oh well, at least she had a crown she could use as a keepsake.

  She went up to the DJ stand where Dave was. 

  "You were right, Little Ceasars is not something worth faking my death and buying 20 suits for. My disguise wasn't even that good! Sorry for fucking with y'all." Terezi apologized. Dave smirked. Terezi looked at the microphone.

  "And you broadcasted my apology to the auditorium, didn't you? Guess I don't have to apologize to everyone individually now!" Terezi said, smiling.

  "Just do me a favor and don't fuck with us like this again," Dave said.

  "Don't worry, I won't do any emotional damage next time I do a zany scheme, maybe exhaustion, but not anything damaging, and I don't think accidentally encouraging shippers will be a problem anymore, since you are basically dating now!" 

  "Hey, technically all we're doing is going to the dance together, that doesn't mean anything! Though yes, me and Dave are dating now." Karkat protested. Terezi decided to leave them alone and go get some fruit punch while the results were still being announced. Soon, the announcements were done. After everyone clapped, the lights turned off. 

  After a few seconds, they turned back on and Vriska was in right in front of Terezi wearing her usual outfit and jacket, except she had somehow made it sit on her shoulders perfectly without falling. Terezi always wondered how Vriska did that. Vriska was holding 2 wooden swords and had an angry look on her face. 

  "Vriska seems to be pissed that Terezi stole her glasses, so everyone, stand back, preferably in a large circle around the two, or else it won't really be a fight. And Vriska, I need to find some good fighting music so could you kindly do some monologuing _before_ you fight Terezi please?" Dave asked over his microphone.

  "Sure thing!" Vriska yelled back. "Anyways, I guess I need to explain why I'm here Terezi, I need to challenge you, to a duel!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably gonna upload a chapter immediately after this, but I felt like doing a cliffhanger because the chapter was getting pretty long.


	5. The Final Showdown

  "You see, you took something of mine. I don't know how you did it, but it doesn't matter anymore, not even giving back those glasses will save you now!" Vriska declared.

  "Guess you don't want them back then!" Terezi taunted.

  "Oh yeah? Well if I can win, I get those glasses back my way! If you win, you can do whatever the fuck you want with them!" Vriska tossed Terezi a sword. "Start the music, Strider!" She shouted.

  "Now playing 'Flowering Night' by ZUN, from the Touhou Franchise!" Dave announced as he started the music. He really needed to make a remix of this song with Dio noises after this.

  Vriska and Terezi clashed sword against sword, the noises of wood clashing resounded across the stadium. Vriska hit Terezi in the arm and caused her glasses to fall off.

  "Thanks, now I can fight for real now!" Terezi shouted as she dodged an attack she heard coming to her feet by jumping. She then spun in the air and hit Vriska in the shoulder. She then did a few more quick jabs and Vriska dropped her sword.

  "Don't trifle with a master of Observation Haki, bitch!" Terezi yelled.

  Vriska glared at her. "It's called Kenbunshoku Haki, you fucking normie," Vriska said coldly. She picked up her sword and slashed Terezi across the chest. Terezi dropped to the floor.

  "I'll be taking those glasses now." Vriska reached into Terezi's suit pocket and took a pair of shades. She then put it into her own jacket and walked out of the gym, but not before collecting her bet winnings from Rose.

  "And Vriska wins conveniently as this song ended! Though she really needs to fucking chill about whether or not someone uses the translated version of things or not. Maybe she thought it'd be a cool one-liner or something?" Dave announced.

  "Honestly, she never complained about my use of the translation before, so yes, she really did just use her complaint as a one-liner!" Terezi yelled from the floor. She picked up her glasses. They were thankfully not broken. She put them back on and stood up.

  "Now if you excuse me, I have to find a homeless person to give this coupon too, and maybe complain in the comments section of Vriska's fanfiction account that Sanji belongs with Pudding and not Zoro, you know, because I _am_ kinda salty that she beat me in a fight, so what better way to blow off some steam than to be a jerk on the Internet!"

  Terezi walked out of the stadium while somehow pulling out her ponytail even though she trapped it in hair gel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter! Glad to see that I've completed a fanfiction for once! You can find the music I referenced here (I just started getting into Touhou through music, so if you have any good Touhou fanfiction, please link it in the comments!):  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wFRIWFraWQ&t=109s  
> Also, this is the first time I've written a fight scene, so it was probably too quick. Oh well.


End file.
